Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
did you just send me my own nude
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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