i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
