I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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