I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
