The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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