NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
