Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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