nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
