i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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