yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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