I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
