I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
