shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm really into asian looking animals
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
