Soap is not a condiment
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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