He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
