I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
