i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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