Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
