You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
