I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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