I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
