I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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