I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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