apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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