how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
