"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
