Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
