He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
