She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
