He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
