I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please, let me fuck your mom
kristin has been a bad kristin
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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