You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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