ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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