You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just found puke in my bra..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
