It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
