My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
