haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Is it because I queefed?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
