i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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