I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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