My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
