he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
