There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
