I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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