dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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