Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
one might say we're banned from that church
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
