He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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