If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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