He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
