But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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