New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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